Monday, 21 March 2011
My third entry in three days; impressive, considering at times I've gone years without an entry. But reflecting on my last two entries today made me think back to the few comments I'd made to my brother recently about my 'rules for life,' such as they are, and it occurs to me that over the last year or two particularly it actually has become a list of personal guidelines, rather than a simple reductionist formula as I'd have claimed half a decade ago. I think it may do me good to actually make a written note of the guidelines which I can recall, whether previously put to writing or not.

* Know yourself, and be yourself
Two old and common adages, yet from memory I don't think I've written nor seen them together - yet without each other, they're almost meaningless. My guiding star since '05 or so, and I believe that with one or two notable exceptions I've come to live by this fairly well. In a paragraph I can't express all my thoughts on the weaknesses and the lies we (and I) hide behind to avoid truly being ourselves; and just as important, what a little reflection and introspection can do to expose the amount of social condition we're all subject to. To 'know yourself,' I believe, includes to some extent defining yourself, since there's bound to be aspects of our genetics and upbringing which we'll choose to nurture and others we'll choose to supress if possible; but the scrutiny of social influences is no less important. As a guy, for example, I recognise what we might call the 'James Bond' image of a guy - tough, sexy and influential - and that most if not all guys would like, to some extent, to possess those qualities. Of course, if we meet a more Bondy-kinda guy than ourselves and don't hit it off as friends, I also recognise that we can be just as bitchy as girls when it comes to making a big deal of real or imagined faults or facades, making them out as jerks or 'tough-guys' or the like - envy is a very simple yet remarkably insidious emotion. Of course there are also other archetypes which many/most of us recognise and respect too; the thinker (eg. Socrates), the trickster (Sasha Baron Cohen), the leader (Hitler, Churchill), the teacher (Jesus, Marx), the lover and so on... To 'be yourself,' is no less of a task than recognising your nature and feelings, for how often do we all hide behind dishonesty, gossip, shallow one-liners, internet or phone communication and the like?

* Happiness is a state of mind, not a set of circumstances
Since I wrote an entry when I learned this lesson, I can date it accurately to Sunday the 14th of January 2007: "Lately I've been going through one of my down periods, and tonight it pretty much hit bottom. It'd been a lazy weekend, and come this evening I simply didn't feel like doing anything. Thought about going to get some dinner, didn't want to. Didn't want to watch a DVD, or play a game or anything. I considered going for a walk, knowing that that would cheer me up. But I didn't feel like it. And that's the point, really; it was my choice as to whether to stay down or to get back up. I ended up putting on a Mozart CD, a positive step, and drifting off to sleep. Got woken up by a call from A, spoke to her for a bit and then... decided to feel better. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik came on, which is always good, and I decided to go get some munchies and eat them while listening to Rammstein and reading American Hoax. Not exactly a thrilling evening, but after I'd got dressed and headed out, I felt fine. In fact I felt better than fine. Knowing the power I have over my own mood is a very positive feeling. My life is still the same as it was before; I'm still just as tired of work. But really it wasn't my circumstances which had me feeling down. It was the feeling that I was trapped. And even that hasn't changed. I've just stopped playing the victim. I've chosen to be happy, and no circumstances can alter that decision nor its effects." It's been a useful lesson, even on those occasions (usually Tuesdays) when I've chosen instead to indulge a bad mood and hate my circumstances, because I can recognise both my choice and that the mood will pass. When we start to feel terribly put upon if a boss gives us a hard time or we have to work with someone annoying, it pays to bear in mind that even folk in third-world countries probably manage to find some happiness from far worse circumstances; given our privilege, only a fool would allow themselves to be always controlled by the influences in our lives. Simply deciding to change one's mood is often enough to make it so, but I've also found that at times it helps to do something different to change your mind-set - call or text someone special to you, pay a genuine compliment to someone, buy a small treat for yourself or others or even just take a nice walk on a different route than normal. It's surprising how much little things like that can help a bad mood, when you choose not to indulge it. All moods and feelings are passing things, and to an extent we can control them all.

* Seek simplicity; beyond necessities, wealth's only value is in avoiding work
Expressed somewhat in March 20th's entry. But I've known/felt for a long time that simplicity is an important element in a happy life - or, rather, that a life full of complications is less enjoyable. Perhaps that should be inavoidable complications, since as a strategy gamer I enjoy such challenges in the right context; but when it's a multitude of bills or accounts or services which need to be attended to - even at times online games, notably TribalWars - it becomes merely obligation and often stressful. This, of course, has become a major focus of many marketing campaigns in recent years. I remember back in Annerley the calm and joy I'd get from taking a walk in the woods up on the hill nearby. For that matter, only recently I've found that far from being the soul-destroying pain I'd thought it might be, even living without internet can be quite liberating in many respects, despite the loss of that resource for knowledge. I believe that before any major decisions one should always ask whether it will make life more or less simple; and if less so, is it actually worth it?

* Seek diversions; reality is a cold, hard mother-fucker to face
As is so wisely said in Red Dwarf, though not a perfect quote, "As the weeks pass we become increasingly aware of the inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited and hostile universe; still, you have to laugh." Be it religion or socialising, drugs or sex, gaming or TV, we all spend most of our time finding ways to avoid truly facing or thinking too much about the way things are. I'm reminded of a Calvin and Hobbes comic in which Calvin asks "Religion is the opiate of the masses; what do you suppose that means?" and the TV quietly thinks "It means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet!" What I 'know' of the bigger picture is that we're a chance product of random mutation floating on a speck at the edge of one of billions of galaxies in a meaningless universe. Maybe there's a God in there somewhere, hiding behind the scenes and pulling all the ropes. It would certainly be nice to think that, and that's just the point; anything which lets our minds deny or avoid a bleak pointlessness to existence is a thing to be cherished, whether it be religion, some noble cause of environmentalism, humanitarianism or social justice, or just drugs and TV. Even just making money seems to work quite well for as long as you can avoid thinking too much about it - and raising a family is backed by evolution as a definitely worthwhile diversion. In truth this is not so much a guideline for living, as one of my ways for understanding the different paths in life I and others choose; the recognition, perhaps, that there's no truly 'right' way to live, just different ways to fill in the days and years of our existence.

* Find satisfaction in how you live
It's a very Stoic (and consequently, somewhat early-Christian) philosophy, but it makes sense; whatever you do for a living, take a little pride in doing it well. For a living, I provide an essential service supporting the civilian infrastructure of this great city in which I live. Despite the best efforts of the upper eschalons of our organisation at times, I'd like to think that generally folk get their food just a little bit faster and a little bit better when I'm around than if I wasn't; and as a consumer myself, that's something I can appreciate. Whether it's fact or a pleasant fiction, I'd like to think that each day I make hundreds of lives just that little bit nicer. Some of the absurd contradictions of my organisation get me down at times - there's a discounted meal offer coming up, so let's harass managers about our arbitrary labour targets and have fewer people working! - but to my mind that's the time to step back and figure that if I keep doing the same work I've always been paid for, it's gonna hurt the customers and the organisation a lot more than it hurts me. No doubt every job (and every life or lifestyle) has its ups and downs, but in the good times everyone except the parasites - the exploitive and polluting industries, many of the more successful politicians, the CEOs and board members who are over-paid, the big speculative investors - makes an worthwhile contribution to society, and if we choose to do our job well we should be proud of that decision and its positive results. [I've just realised why I like Tim; he cares about his work.]

* Live in such a way that, if all lived as you, all would be well
From Februrary 27th this year: "I should mention a thought (or more a way of wording a thought, since it's basically the Tragedy of the Commons - and similar to, though not the same as, the golden rule) which occurred to me in recent weeks: Live in a way such that, if all others lived as you do, all would be well. It's been with me for a while I suppose - thanks in large part to Kirri's point ages ago that if all on earth were equal our poor family would not be far off where the equality line was drawn - but it struck home recently due to some thoughts about folks' behaviour at work." I read the Tragedy of the Commons when I was 15 or so, so it's not really a new thought, but a worthwhile one (TotC should be mandatory study in high school - thankyou Dad)­. We'd not have our current crises of global warming and peak oil if everyone followed this simple principle (and, to an extent, if the greedy bastards in the oil business recognised the previous ones). My last power bill was a big one, over 600 dollars - yet it still works out to only 70 cents per day extra, $3.50 per week each for my brother and I to have 100% green energy. Conservation is still important, and that price is surely heavily subsidised - but hell, dunno 'bout other folk but I'm sure I can afford five times that much for a clean conscience and clean atmosphere. We've known about global warming for a good three decades or more - it was already part of my primary school curriculum, for crying out loud! - and it's curious that, even with all the media attention in the past couple of years, most folk couldn't give a damn. The principle applies to any other facet of life also, of course; we're responsible for our own decisions and actions, regardless of what other folk might choose to do.

* If you haven't asked for something, don't expect to receive it
This one is absurdly simple, on face value; yet it's a concept I had to learn (from '06 to '08 if I had to guess when), and having learned it I've been surprised how often we take for granted the expectations which we heap on other people. It's a guideline, obviously, since some expectations we should (at least to some extent, culture-dependant) take for granted; don't punch random strangers in the face, don't verbally abuse random strangers and get punched in the face, don't take four mates to the front of a queue 'cos you've got one friend there, don't leave the pisser without a splash of water on your hands... Even when it comes to queue ettiquette, we're all going to draw a different line where 'my expectations' turn into 'common courtesy' - most folk won't mind one person joining three friends, but the opposite is generally considered impolite - but it's surprising how often folk tend to consider their expectations as a given. The self-pity, hurt and anger which could be avoided by this simple principle are quite remarkable, I imagine; when it's a toss-up between others' fault and your own responsibility, at the very least it's probably better in most cases to at least recognise your choice to do nothing. Even in clear-cut cases of 'common courtesy,' you can stand there and fume over someone jumping the queue and just make your own life worse, or you can say "Hey mate, the queue starts back there" - and 6 times in 10 they'll say an insincere "Oh, didn't realise." Those who play the victim too much are just as absurd as those who impose their expectations too much and act the victim when they fail.

* If you wouldn't say it to their face, don't say it behind their back
I'd learned to dislike gossip as a Christian, but as an atheist for me this was largely an extension of the first guideline, 'be yourself.' Two-faced, hypocritical, weak, coward, liar - all terms which could apply to folk who say one thing to a person's face, and something else behind their back. And in my limited experience, quite a large part of that weakness can stem from expectations which haven't been asked, and haven't been met. That's why I put this one after the above, because without doubt I've thought ill of folk many times without ever explaining to them why; sometimes that's inavoidable, but to bad-mouth them behind their backs is a step too far. Unless you're asking someone to pass on a relatively polite message, speaking those feelings to other folk rather than to the person you've got a problem with is generally just a way of venting your weakness - your inability to resolve the issue through effective communication. As in some of the above examples, there's different extremes of approaching this 'guideline,' since some folk might say nothing behind others' back nor to their face, while others will say anything to folks' face and behind their back. Those types of egocentricism - "I'll hate the sins but not speak against the sinners" or "Fuck all these assholes, I'll say what I want" - might work to an extent, in that they protect a person from really engaging with others: But I believe that from a balanced perspective in each case we should choose whether to wait and hope for the best, or speak politely to a person about an issue, or (if that ultimately fails) speak harshly, gossip and slander them - or just let it lie.

* Don't try to be perfect, just try to be better
God knows when I came to this conclusion; probably quite recently, three or more likely only two years ago. I suspect it was my recognition that it's easier to turn off a light or two when you notice them, than to not turn them on; perfection is absurd, but improvement is worthwhile. But I think my earlier attempts at vegetarianism may have influenced that understanding :p Next to "know yourself, and be yourself," I suspect that this is the most important guide I've learned so far. Even if there were some kind of perfect way to live (which I doubt), attaining it would surely have been next to impossible even for Ghandi (who was no saint, according to some). But anyone and everyone can aim for a little improvement, in whatever area we choose. Eat chicken or pig rather than beef, or buy free range eggs; get energy-efficient bulbs, and turn off lights when not in the room; take five seconds to splash water on your hands after pissing; take a nicer tone or say 'please' or 'mate' when you want someone to do something... the practical applications of this concept are essentially limitless, of course. "Live such that if all lived as you..." is a universal and idealist guideline; but we should also recognise that just because such an ideal is inattainable doesn't mean that improvement isn't worthwhile. Moreover, there are individual and personal areas in which the earlier guideline doesn't really apply, but some folk will still think it's good to improve. This week I went one night without alcohol and next week I'm aiming for two nights; in a month or two I might be drinking only three or four nights a week!

- - - -

It's now past 10pm on Friday, 1st of April, and I'm regretting that I didn't recognise Fool's Day earlier. However, despite being somewhat less than sober I've checked and double-checked my list of guidelines and for now I'm content. Obviously there've been various points of addition, revision and editting between March 21 and now - and the final draft, if this turns out not to be it - but for the sake of completeness, I think mention of this range for date of writing is worth mentioning. After all, aside from the fairly specialised fields of 'Religious studies; major in Christianity' and 'Practical alcoholism for the working man,' this is probably the sum total of my wisdom at the ripe old age of 27:

* Know yourself, and be yourself
* Happiness is a state of mind, not a set of circumstances
* Seek simplicity; beyond necessities, wealth's only value is in avoiding work
* Seek diversions; reality is a cold, hard mother-fucker to face
* Find satisfaction in how you live

* Live in such a way that, if all lived as you, all would be well
* If you haven't asked for something, don't expect to receive it
* If you wouldn't say it to their face, don't say it behind their back
* Don't try to be perfect, just try to be better